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[Thursday
August 25th, 2005
1:28am] |
i'm in the worst spot of my life.
i know you are reading this and i want you to know how much i care.
because i really do, more than anything.
but we were only hurting ourselves, repeatedly.
it jsut got really old.
and i need to live out my youth, i don't want it to go to waste.
not that love is a waste, but arguing sure is.
i just don't know what to do.
and i dont know what can help me. or who.
this just hurts more than anything else ever has.
and it's almost as if i'm hurting myself because the decisions lie on my shoulders.
i wish i knew what i wanted.
i want to have those silly crazy teenage years that i missed out on.
but i don't want to throw away something that i loved.
as many of the bad times we had, the good still linger.
goddd, this sucks.
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[Wednesday
July 20th, 2005
3:43pm] |
is it just me...or does going to college in central pa make you a little bit addicted to country music?
seriously it's all i listen to anyway.
if you like country download these...
alcohol - brad paisley <--hilarious song.
fast cars and freedom - rascal flatts.
lets be us again - lonestar.
anywhooo, i really need to cut down on the working.
i never have time to go out anymore because i work early everymorning, even weekends now.
ughh, but i need money for when i go back to school.
oh well, it's my choice i guess.
i have nothing to write.
adeiu.
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[Tuesday
July 19th, 2005
9:20am] |
i have not updated in over a month.
that is so un like me.
in new...
i dyed my hair brown.
i work too much [3 jobs].
i have lots of money.
i want uggs.
funny thing happened to me this morning.
well not funny, but rough.
i had a ver strange dream, after falling asleep at 4am with ny nose in the harry potter book.
my family was having an outdoor picnic.
i arived with my older cousin carly.
we drove a silver SUV but it was not mine.
at the party, i recall my aunt lisa being there, flying a kite.
and i also recall a boy who strongly resembled this one.
for some reason i was afraid to talk to him. nerves possibly.
also at the party was a little blonde boy who had been in my dreams before.
he was wheelchair bound, but in this one, learning how to walk.
we toasted his success.
i then proceeded off to work with carly.
she was coming to the mall with me while i worked.
i was driving through what looked like inner city phili.
then, suddenly there was no carly.
but i did receive a call on my cell phone from my grandfather.
he told me to come home because something was wrong with aunt pat [carly's mother].
i dragged it out of him that she had passed away due to complications of comsmetic surgery.
the next few hours in the dream were upsetting.
lots of crying and family talks about the old times.
we commenced the picnic and everyone went home.
i was tryig desperately to retreive aformentioned boy's phone number.
i wanted to text him something but i don't rememeber what it was.
i woke up right as i was texting my sister to get his phone number for me.
sorry i bored you all with that, but odds are, no one read the whole thing haha.
i slept through my first half hour of work.
first day i've missed in a long time, but it was a weird night.
and on that note, i'm going back to bed.
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[Monday
June 13th, 2005
6:40pm] |
  when you try your best but you don't succeed. when you get what you want but not what you need. when you feel so tired, but you can't sleep. s t u c k i n r e v e r s e.when the tears some streaming down your face. when you lose something you can't replace. when you love someone but it goes to waste. c o u l d i t b e w o r s e ?lights will guide you home and ignite your bones. and i will try to fix you. |
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[Friday
June 10th, 2005
2:12am] |
wow two entries in one day.
but i'm just a little sad right now.
feel like writing something.
i can't quite remember a time in my life where i was completely and totally happy with things. i just want to be carefree right now. it's the summer. i don't need the stress i'm having. i'm just so lost right now. not sure which direction in which my life is heading. i don't know whether to keep fighing for something that is looking out to be a lost cause. i put how i feel pretty plainly in an IM to ian. and as soon as i wrote this, it hit me hard. i could honestly be alone right now....if not for a long time. and i'm not so sure i can do that right now.
lets go makeoutt: but im stuck in this spot that i hate. like that withdrawl period where you just feel empty and you have this huge hole in you that you want to fill with someone else. but at the same time you feel likethat hole can only be filled by the one person whose not there anymore.
i don't know how to deal with my feelings right now. i try to push them all away and not worry about shit, but when i lay in bed at night it all hits me hard and i end up sitting up half the night crying over things that i just keep bottled up inside. and moreso, i feel like i have no one to talk to. it doesn't help much when your friends work all day then don't wanna go out at night. i know it's crazy, but i feel like i don't know anyone who knows exactly what this feels like. oh except for kelly clarkson.
here i am, once again, i'm torn into pieces. can't deny it, can't pretend. just thought you were the one.
broken up, deep inside, but you won't get to see the tears i cryyyyyyyyy behind these hazel eyes.
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[Thursday
June 9th, 2005
3:40pm] |
long couple of days.
worked twice at AE.
and twice at LARC.
my babe at LARC is proving to be quite a handful.
but enjoyable none the less.
hopefully i learn a lot.
and as for AE, well i'm getting lots of clothes ha.
40% offffff bitch.
i wanna go on a road trip.
i'm going to see black alyssa tomorrow.
and larry is coming as well.
yey for a trip.
i miss etown lots.
FUCKING DO THIS.
01. Reply with your name and I will write something I like about you.
02. I will then tell what song/movie/icon reminds me of you.
03. If I were to apply an o'clock to you, it would be...
04. I will try to name a single word that best describes you.
05. I'll tell you the most memorable moment I've had with you.
06. I will tell you what plant/flower/tree you remind me of.
07. I'll then tell you something that I've always wondered about you.
08. Put this in your journal
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[Friday
June 3rd, 2005
9:44pm] |
andrew mcmahon was diagnosed with acute lymphatic leukemia.
this really upsets me. he's one of my role models. get better babe.
i'm getting pretty sick.
my eyes are swollen a lot.
and so's my nose.
and that's paired with a terrible whooping cough.
great.
boo i'm lonely.
argggg.
and my throat hurts.
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| i miss art. |
[Monday
May 30th, 2005
2:23am] |
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y o u w o u l d k i l l f o r t h i s j u s t a l i t t l e b i t
sing me something soft. sad and delicate.
or loud and out of tune. sing me anything.
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[Wednesday
May 25th, 2005
1:26am] |
wow i haven't updated in forever....not that anyone reads or cares hah.
i started working at LARC again.
trained with the boy who will be my one on one student this summer.
mr. robert shendock is a piece of work let me tell you.
he had me running all over the place.
but it promises to be a fun filled summer i hope.
on a bad note, i lost my scholarship money at etown.
my grades were pretty shitty this semester.
so i have to somehow come up with like 9 grand for next year.
anyone wanna chip in?! haha.
i started working at american eagle tonight too.
moorestown mall is so dead.
but it's not hard work at all.
and the people are pretty neat so thats cool.
seem like it'll be a low key fun job.
i'm fucking tired.
and i hate bitches.
ughh.
not to mention that i'm wearing not one, but TWO polos.
i feel like one of them, god.
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[Monday
May 16th, 2005
12:49am] |
so i'm home for the summer.
it feels so good.
things are really different though.
people are shady and shit's just like it was in higschool.
things with nick are rough but i'm sure it'll workout.
i miss etown.
and ober.
and davean.
and founders d315.
and bailey and atom.
and wine.
and good friends.
and esbenshade.
and having someome to give me a hug at 4am.
and sign stealing.
and taco bell.
and event space love.
and long haired boy.
and aarons laugh.
and silly thing.
and ritas.
and babysitting and having money.
and park city mall.
anywhoooooo.
i got pink eye.
i look stoned in one eye.
awesome, thanks alyssa haha.
i'm going to bed. i miss my bed in founders. with my roomate. duh.
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[Tuesday
May 10th, 2005
8:52pm] |
how could something so important be so over?
not my fault.
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[Saturday
May 7th, 2005
6:09am] |
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i'd just like to say that it's 6am and been a wonderful night.
drinkin with two cuties, then to ober.
yummmmmmmy taco bell.
meeting up with more cuties, yey sarah!
then over to ober and then HOT TUBBING.
seriosly. so cold out but SO WARM.
i love my life and do not want to go home.
ps- =)
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[Thursday
May 5th, 2005
2:32am] |
oh my god i love shaunna murphy.
uhhh redbull: I’m pregnant. I, Harry James Potter, am pregnant. I’m going to be a father. I can’t do this by myself. I’m too young to do this by myself- but I can’t tell anyone. If Voldemort found out, he would surely take it away from me. God, I wish I could tell Draco that he was going to be a father, but he would probably want nothing to do with it or with me
anywhooo, went bowling tonight. lot's of fun. picturex2 ( <3 )
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| and when she dances she goes and goes. |
[Monday
May 2nd, 2005
8:34pm] |
| [ |
music |
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white houses. |
] |
it amazes me how much people change and how people can grow apart so easily.
i love this song but it makes me cry every time.
maybe you were all faster than me
we gave each other up so easily
these silly little wounds will never mend
i feel so far from where i've been
so i go, and i will not be back here again
i'm gone as the day is fading on white houses
i lie, put my injuries all in the dust
in my heart is the five of us
in white houses
/endreminiscence
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[Thursday
April 28th, 2005
2:10am] |
i'm obsessed with my chemical romaces song helena.
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you know you're friends page loves that. you can all hear it all the time now.
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[Tuesday
April 26th, 2005
1:26am] |
so get this shit.
my roomate has to move out.
we have less than three weeks of school left.
and she is forced to move out.
and not allowed back into the room.
our punishment for having the cat is separation.
how ass is that?
i love my ally and they are taking her away!
and since we're not rooming next semester, this really sucks.
oh well, that apartment shall come soon.
and then the kitties will be back.
and hopefully a dog as well.
awesome.
big test tomorrow.
gotta study.
here's some cute pictures cause i'm bored man.
( goodtimeeeeees<3 )
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[Saturday
April 23rd, 2005
11:23pm] |
TRUE STORY:
someone very important to me made my cry today.
the tears fell
all over my desk.
on my desk was written a message.
from the same person
who made me cry.
a message that held faith in us.
it was written in
pencil.
the tears washed it away.
must be a sign.
it's been a rough
day.
i have nothing to do tonight.
my roomate is spending time with her
boyfriend.
it makes me jealous.
i want to go home, but it's storming.
i miss my mother, kelly, and max.
it's time for me to be home for good.
less than three weeks.
( this )made me cry a lot.
sometimes i wish i could write well. i have so many feelings locked up inside me and i can never put them into words. i love going back and reading entries that really capture how i feel at that given moment. but i'm just not able to do that anymore. it's not even worth keeping a livejournal anymore, no one reads it and i'm not gettings personal gratification out of it. whatever.
ps-  redhead ashley is baaaaaaaaack<3. ober210 will be happy. haha
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[Thursday
April 21st, 2005
2:14pm] |
i'm growing a marijuana plant. not to smoke. just to have.
i love my plant.
not to mention my bowling shoes as well.
so i went bowling last night.
and i got a pair of awesome bowling shoes that were BRAND new.
like i swear, never been worn before.
and it made me happy. so i stole them.
then i tried to drive allys car that's stick.
and i like it. awesome.
this was stupid.
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[Thursday
April 21st, 2005
1:56am] |
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new layout. from rawrlayouts or something. very cute. very robot. yum.
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